On the morning of August 26, the respondent submitted an official checklist
confessing to six (6) counts of bad habits — and then had the
audacity to say “Confess” to the other party, who promptly admitted to
four (4) counts of his own.
The checklist raised further questions. This tribunal has convened to ask them.
There are eight exhibits. There are no wrong answers.
There is, however, a verdict.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the mostly truth, and nothing but vibes?
Exhibit A
The Committee notes:
Case No. 0826 · Closed
This tribunal finds the respondent
Guilty of Being Super Cool
(the record supports it — it was said in writing on day one)
Cleared for Friday ✓
Official Findings
✓Never once slept in her makeup. A-type confirmed. The committee remains a little intimidated.
✓Both parties guilty of no water and no SPF. Joint sentencing recommended: one glass of water each, sunscreen optional but encouraged.
✓The snoozed alarms, the procrastinating, the staying up late — the committee rules these “a rhythm, not a problem.”
✓The other party’s coffee habit and nail-biting: pardoned, contingent on good behavior Friday.
SENTENCE: One (1) date, this Friday,
with no possibility of early release.
Hydration will be provided by the court.
Screenshot this verdict and return it to sender as proof of testimony
This document was prepared by a man
actively drinking too much coffee.
He is working on it.